Quotes

Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show.

Sometimes you just have to thin the herd.

Twitter! Never have lives been less lived and more chronicled!

A developer is someone who wants to build a house in the woods. An environmentalist is someone who already has a house.

Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer.

I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me.

It's foolish to be prejudiced. There are so many reasons to hate people on an individual basis.

Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.

A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

I've always believed things work out exactly as they're supposed to.

I have found that there are things you get from the silent devoted companionship of a dog.

Killing an animal to make a coat is sin.